Tuesday, November 27, 2012

This World Is Not My Home

When it rains, it pours--right?  Well the floodgates were opened on our family 3 weeks ago.  We started the first full week of November with a trip to the ER for my father-in-law on the last night of their visit with us.  We ended the week with our van in the shop and Arden sick with the crud (which she is still battling). But the worst news came in the middle.

Rewind with me for a minute.  On the morning of October 11, I found out I was pregnant.  We were so excited and filled with joy, but we decided to keep it a secret until we could tell our family first.  On Halloween, we shared the news with Arden and Tucker, and then Arden made the big announcement to our parents.  She was thrilled to think she would have another brother or sister to boss around ;)

Fast forward to November 7---right in the middle of our family flood.  It was the day of my 1st appointment, the day we would see that strong, fluttering heartbeat.  For me, this is the hardest appointment during pregnancy.  We lost our first baby 5 years ago--there was no heartbeat at my 8 week appointment, so you can understand why it's so difficult. The anxiety I feel while we wait for the ultrasound is so overwhelming. 

As soon as the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong.  She wasn't saying anything, but definitely had a concerned look on her face.  I had been here before.  This was all too familiar.  I looked at Geoff (I couldn't see the monitor) and knew by the look on his face that my worst nightmare had come true--we had lost this baby, too.  

In the moment, I immediately felt like this time around would be easier.  I had been here before, knew the drill...it has to be easier, right?  Our kids were with us for the appointment and, in hindsight, I realize I held it together for them.  They had no idea what was going on, and I did not want/need to explain it to them there.

In some ways, this time was easier.  I have 2 beautiful, healthy children to be thankful for and I know that I am capable of having children (I was truly fearful that I couldn't have babies after my first miscarriage).  I was forced to stay busy---2 active kids don't allow for much time to dwell on the negative.  

But at the same time, it was even more difficult than the first. I could already picture what this baby would look like; I know what it's like to hold my brand-new baby in my arms; I completely understand the love a parent has for their children. Explaining to Arden that we weren't actually having a baby was not a conversation I ever wanted to have. 

But I would have to say the greatest blessing that both miscarriages have brought me is the reminder that this world is NOT my home.  I have learned to lean on our Father for all my strength and peace. This world is full of pain and sadness, and I am so thankful that I don't have to live here forever!

I am also thankful that God has placed such wonderful, Godly friends in my life to encourage me on this journey. I am blessed that no matter what happens in my life--good or bad---they are there to rejoice, comfort, cry, or pray with me.

God is teaching me so much in this season of my life and, although I wish I didn't have to endure some of these heartaches, I am forever thankful that they draw me closer to our Father!  

So, during this season of thankfulness, I will choose to focus on the blessings that we do have.  Satan would like me to dwell on all the things I want but I refuse to give into his desires. We are truly blessed beyond measure and we give all the glory to God!

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."
Psalm 29:11